Please read the post to which the below link leads. I think it is very important. I only wish I had more exposure and more followers so more people would read it.

CLL, share this with you son.

A Disease Called Perfection

Belief Systems

I have always, Always, ALWAYS been drawn toward the feminine. All my life, even my youngest years the shapes of women, the feel of women portrayed in art, sculptures of women. I’ve always wanted to surround myself with images of women. I thought there was something wrong with me somehow, that I was inappropriately obsessed. I didn’t associate it with my sexuality, not in a tangible way at any rate.

 As I grew up when it came to who I’d scope out walking down the street?….A woman would (and still does) catch my eye before a man would. I’m still drawn to images of women.

But all my life I’ve had this notion that lesbians don’t laugh and that they are all hard core radical feminists. I never felt like I would/could fit in and honestly, it repelled me. That was not the type of woman I wanted to be, was nor am I to this day. I love to laugh, I love being a girl and while I consider myself a feminist I’m certainly not radical in it. And my dearest H? She is neither dour or a radical feminist.

Those stereo types are finally beginning to crumble. It is both freeing and creating a feeling of being unmoored. You can’t destroy the beliefs of a life time and not feel a little unsettled. And unfortunately the new beliefs/knowledge/impressions that will replace the old ones don’t flood in nearly as fast as the old ones poor out once the damn is broken.

When I look back at the messages that I’ve internalized about lesbians and bisexuals the ones that stand out come from people I love and consider open minded; my brother and my husband. I can remember my brother saying with great derision sometime during my early adolescence that “everybody says their bi these days, they just say it cause it’s trendy”. I can here his voice to this day. Insecure is husband’s image of lesbian relationships. And while he’s said that with great compassion it is an all encompassing dismissive remark. K isn’t exactly a chauvinist either.

Trying it On for Size

I am a…..

married bisexual lesbian.

Men and Women: Not a competition

In thinking about my bisexuality I was exploring it as if I were explaining it to someone else?

It is not that love men and women the same. How could I? They are not the same creatures and while they are not wholly different there are differences both physical and psychological.

I found myself thinking about it this way…

Women are sensual creatures. They are soft and round and warm and smell good. The call to my hands, to my hips and to my lips. I want to slow dance with them. Undulate with them. Feel them against my body. Women’s hearts and minds like their bodies are curvaceous with hills and valleys, soft and vulnerable in places, strong and capable in others.

Men are angular and firm (or are supposed to be). A man in good physical shape has that lovely triangular shape to him. He’s all angles and definition. Their minds and hearts are angular and firm as well. Their minds are linear and logical to a fault. They go directly to whatever it is they aim at. No curves, no softness. And when my body is drawn toward a man it’s drawn to his physical strength, his singleness of purpose.

Both are wonderful. Both have so much to share and can enrich our lives.

Abject Terror

I stay with men because women reject me. I’ve always been rejected by women. No one I’ve ever wanted has been interested in me. I secretly fear the only reason H is with me is because she feels that she can take advantage of me and manipulate me.  I’m terrified she’s the only woman who will ever express any sort of romantic interest in me.  So why not stay with my husband, why not stay in the straight world. At least there I know I’m wanted.

I’m so fucking terrified. I feel so freaking alone, completely and utterly alone. I have NO ONE TO FUCKING TALK TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Why aren’t there 12 step programs with sponsors for this shit…because I sure as hell could use one.

It’s Not FAIR

Why is it that if I identify as bisexual I have to chose? Why can’t I be bisexual?

In the lesbian community there is definitely a prejudice against bisexual women. They assume you are just playing or experimenting. They assume that you can’t be serious or truly love a woman if you love a man. What a load of crap!

Conversely, in the straight world bisexuals are seen as merely sexually adventurous. They don’t really want to have a relationship with a persona of the same gender, it’s all just fun and games. That is equally unfair and not true.

Before M & H this is how I identified. I assumed my bisexuality was just a matter of being sexually adventurous.  But after I fell in love with H I realized that it was much more and ran way  way deeper than that.

Now I find that I feel caught in the middle and not belonging anywhere. Neither camp takes me seriously. Caught in the middle and completely alone. Caught in the middle and lost. Caught in the middle and hurt by both sides. Ostracized, prejudiced against, unwelcome, no worth taking seriously, a joke even ….  I feel so incredibly alone.

Uncertainty and Confusion

This feeling of uncertainty has really taken me by surprise. I felt so grounded in this a couple of weeks ago. Why does definitely calling it quits with my husband suddenly make me so confused and uncertain? Because I’m closing one door and opening another? Because it is a commitment to owning my sexuality and myself?

Last week I told H that I had been waiting for my new skin to feel whole, for it to close around me and become solid. Last week I felt that way. This week it’s almost as if I feel it dissolving. Must I shed that skin to grown into yet another? Am I going to feel whole in this new one (whatever it turns out to be) only to start scratching and fussing and shedding again?

I’ve been reading about the stages of coming out. They all ring true in one way or another. I also find that I am moving 3 steps forward and taking one step back. I recognized where I’ve moved forward to but then realize that I have also reached back and grasped at straws from an early stage. Of course I know enough to know that “stage” models are never as clearly defined as they are on paper. Growth and self-discovery are a messy and often painful business. But in this circumstance, where I am seemingly leaving one world behind for another, I really need to not ping-pong around. I want to feel certain or at least reasonable comfortable and confident. I suppose it was easier when I was just trying the coat on…now I’m wanting to wear it.

How am I Feeling

scarred,  lonely, alone, missing ‘home’, confused, angry (at K), in love (w H), missing H, a bit lost, unmoored, worried, scarred of being a dried up old lonely dyke.

I’m really really frightened of this last one. I’ve always been frightened of ending up old and alone. But I don’t think that’s a good reason to compromise on life or two stay in an unhappy marriage.

I Mean Really!

I was thinking about this over lunch… how on earth do you wake up one day and suddenly realize you are gay? How did I go my entire life, reasonably self-aware, brought up in a liberal accepting household and not figure this out sooner? I mean really!

This very core question keeps my head spinning and makes me wonder about how real this “conversion” is. I worry that it’s just a phase I’m going through and that I am ripping my life apart over something that is transient. Now, granted, I’ve read that thinking it’s a phase is part of the coming out process so maybe that’s all this is, a strange in the process. Not that I THINK it’s a phase. Rather I worry that it is and I’m not realizing it.

It feels like a switch has been flipped in me, from straight (ok, bi) to gay. That is not to say that it’s not a good switch. It’s a wonderful one. I am happy and I feel strong in this. … but it still feels like a switch.

Everyone’s Favorite Topic

Ever since I started sleeping with men I’ve more often than not felt like a piece of meat. Ninety-five percent of the time the sex was completely banal. Not rough, not anything interesting in particular but it almost always felt self serving for them. I would even say the more “vanilla” the sex the more I felt like they were just thinking about themselves. At least with kinky violent sex the focus would be on my in a backwards sort of way and it also fit with this feeling of just being a piece of meat. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought in the middle of it that if he put a bag over my head it wouldn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s got somewhere to stick his dick.. I also can’t tell you the number of times my mind would wander off to other things.

So, I find myself wondering if I didn’t need the kink because the sex just wasn’t right for me? I guess this is the kind of stuff I’m looking to hear from myself. I guess it’s not enough for me just to know that this is right, that you are right… true to form I need to know why.

It’s just the opposite with my beloved H. I am intensely present. I don’t need the extra stimuli to keep my attention. I certainly don’t feel like a piece of meat. I feel wonderfully connected and present every single time we make love…no matter how we make love.

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